When Nick met Westwood

After 26 hours of bar-whoring myself to Brighton's thirsty, I've finally made it to the end of what has felt like a truly mammoth working weekend with not even a sniff of an Easter Egg - cue sympathetic tears and "aaaaaaah"s all round.

But I'm not really complaining; despite the fact that the pay is frankly a disgrace (four pounds eighty-fucking-five pee an hour), my legs feel like guitar strings tightened to a beyond sensible level, and the fact that I have been forced to listen to some of the most god-awful hip-hop and r 'n'b known to creation while being yelled at by some of the world's most revolting human-beings, when the perks are this perky (scroll down to see picture) the world seems to shine (like you've had too much wine etc...) - note extreeeeeme level of sarcasm in voice.


Sultan of Bling a.k.a. Prize cunt

It's me with Westwood! Ignoring the fact that I look, frankly, pretty much like I felt, how "off the heezy fo' sheezy" is that?

The man, the legend, the dickhead was "dj-ing" at the Gloucester for one night only for the obscene sum of £4000 and I took it upon myself to accost him after his set - which mostly consisted of the most obvious urban floor-fillers (anyone like Murder, She Wrote by Chaka Demus and Pliars?) interspersed with gun-shot effects (to cover the fact that the man is incapable of mixing two tracks together) and shout-outs to the crowd of things like "make some noize if you love Westwood!" and "I want all the ladies in the house with wet pussies to scream!". Eloquent. Articulate. Genius.

p.s. To test your knowledge of the ghettos check out this deezy little quiz I found: http://caseyporn.com/dope_or_wack/

I've been thinking about this...

I own a big pair of Bo Selecta Style headphones that I barely use and have been thinking about getting and iPod Shuffle so surely this is fate....

Own Brand Bourbon Reviews - First in an occasional series

As a few of you may no I'm not adverse to the occasional tipple of the Ole JD and Coke, as I love to live the rockist drink cliche, but unfortunately as I am but a poor student the black labeled stuff from Tennessee is quite often beyond my reach, so I often opt for the somewhat cheaper own brand bourbon alternative.

However this is a bit of a mindfield so I feel I ought to aid those in a similar predicament with a scientific process of evaluating the alternative options. To do this I have come up with a rigorous 5 out of 5 out of 5 scheme. Leading to a maximum possible score of 25*

First up with have Tesco's Smokey Jacks retailing at £9.99 for a 70cl Bottle

Price 4/5
Taste with Coke 3.5/5
Taste Straight 2.5/5
availability 3/5 (prob ought to be higher but there is no tesco in Brighton City Limits)
Ability to pretend is JD 2.5/5 (Similar shaped bottle black label and doesn't taste to different mixed after a few drinks but to the conseseur will always be apparent s the poor mans choice)




*Please note not even JD would reach a 25 score as it would prob rate a lowly 2 or three in the value sub-section

This might bother me if

I were flush enough to afford bottled beer, so while I'm stuck on the dodgy canned lager I won't be needing one of these

Whilst I'm filling you up on the spoofs

Here's a scarily well done Flash trailer for Nathan Barley, its not done by Mr Morris but you do have to think twice..

Beaten to the Punch

Well I've been thinking about taking the htm from the NME.com website and parodying it for ages, but it never got beyond my tentative attempts to replace the text on a beeb parody campaigning for Rageh Omar for President of Iraq, the person behind this is equally unimaginative yet its still quite entertaining

My first post

So here I am, bravely, but tentatively, taking my first steps into the blog of Kelv.

Is this going to be a public arena for the multitude of amusing and inciteful observations I have to make on the world? Will it serve as an outlet for my teen-angst-ridden soul (yes, i realise 20 is a little too old for teen angst) to cascade itself onto an unsuspecting and uncomfortable audience? Will I even bother to add to it? Who can say?

To begin however, I think I will provide y'all with a wee incite into the world of me.

I am a simple man (perhaps "man" is something of a stretch...) of simple pleasures. Without meaning to sound too Julie Andrews, and in no particular order, here are a few of my favourite things....

• Tea
• Neighbours (on TV rather than my neighbours in real life who have just recently complained to the council about us making too much noise - miserable fuckers)
• The pub quiz at The Bear (at which I have a particularly impressive record)
• Walking along the road listening to my iPod and pretending I'm in my very own music video
• Taking pictures of people without them realising (I know that sounds somewhat pervy and stalker-ish, it's not meant to - it's just a way of taking pictures of people at their most natural)
• Going to gigs for free
• Keira's smile (maybe shouldn't really have put that one but it's true)

Until next time, when I may well add to that list or, if I'm in a particular foul mood, compose a new one of the things that most royally fuck me off, I bid you adieu.